Fruitcake (A Husband's Bad Idea)

Fruitcake for Christmas
Yum, yum, yum!
Gonna have to get her some.
Get me a chainsaw
Or Ginsu knife.
Cut a divine dessert
For my wife.

Ho, Ho, Ho!
She will just glow!
Ho, Ho, Ho!
She will just glow!

Fruitcake for Christmas
Scarf, scarf, scarf.
Hope my dear angel
Will not barf.

(Is it my imagination or is this particularly awful?  Don't say anything; I already know.)

A Wonderful Handful

'Twas the morning called Monday when all through the house
A poop-bottomed baby was starting to grouse.
The diapers were ranged 'neath the table with care
Next to the wipes, the giraffe and the bear.

"Wipe off my buns for they're starting to hurt
And why don't you give me new pants and a shirt?
I've peed through these last and they're getting quite smelly.
Look at this button that's stuck to my belly!"

The father induced him to lie on his back.
He opened the diaper and let out a "Gack!"
Then working with purpose he started to wipe;
Left bun and right bun, they each got a swipe.

With wriggling legs and an outflow of babble
The baby broke free from the fatherly rabble.
He fled 'round the house singing liberty's song,
A melody sweet as a dad's day is long.

Apologies to Billy Joel

In the middle of the night
I go scrounging in the fridge
Through containers of food
For a tasty little smidge
I must be lookin' for something
Something tasty I lost
But the fridge is bare
And I've already flossed
In the middle of the night.

Gene Kelly, Feel Free to Roll Over In Your Grave

I'm gleaning in the fields

Just gleaning in the fields

What a glorious feeling

With 165 bushels an acre yields....

My Favorite Things

Hot cappuncinos and whipped cream on mochas;
Chilled Dr. Pepper and iced Cola Cocas;
Corvette convertibles, red without dings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Packers from Green Bay and books without pictures;
Lawful inhabitants, days without strictures;
Steak that is rare with a side of some wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the Dow drops,
When the Prez talks,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.