This Poem is an Absolute Embarrassment to Whoever Wrote It.

I went to the dentist.
My face is now numb.
I wonder if maybe
I shouldn't chew gum?
She warned me of danger
From chewing too soon
Cause chomping your tongue
Is hardly a boon.
And so I'll just starve
Till the numbness subsides
And dream a sweet vision
Of hot curly fries.

Not that Anyone's Counting

Twenty-nine days til marriage arrives.
S'ven hundred-five hours on the nose.
Then there'll be cake and a dance and a kiss,
A thrill running down from our lips to our toes.
So strike up the organ and ready the rice
Wouldn't a wedding in May-time be nice?

Almost a Limerick

On Monday I dressed in a sweater
And folks were all saying, "What's upper?
You're looking quite spiffy
Though your shaving is iffy."
I said, "Thanks, I'll shave after supper."

Sing this One to that Tune (you know the one)

I wrote a sermon last night.
It wasn't very good.
And so I wrote another one
As a good student would.
That is three this weekend
And I am feeling tired.
I think I'll drink a pot of joe
Cause then I'll just be wired.

Tea Party

This is one of my better efforts. It rhymes. And there are groupings of four lines. Yes!

The tea was nice;
The signs were fun;
Let's put big spending
On the run.

It ain't just Left
Nor just the Right
Who's gotten us
Into this plight.

So let's turn leaf
And do this thing;
And put an end
To wanton spending.

Turned Away at the Door

The bouncer said, "Get thee away!
You have no place here; it's not your day.
Wait some more months, until you've got proof
Til then you'll find me strictly aloof
To eyelash entreaties and cash on the sly
Cause I'm an honest and upstanding guy.
The law is the law and I'm just a cog;
Don't give me sad faces like some ol' hang dog."

Tough Guys

There's a new gang and they don't play nice;

They ride their boards in the snow and the ice.

They will look surly if given the chance

And if you hug them they'll both look askance.

Haircuts are out and high-flying is in

Build them a grind-box, just maybe they'll grin.

Moving Books

I'm loading books in boxes.
I'm storing prose away.
Shelves are looking barren
And oh so sad today.
Moving isn't easy,
But better soon that late.
One day, when I've a study
My books will look just great!

Swing

Say now young lady, would you care to swing?
I've got the right shoes on and it's just the thing.
Let's take a twirl as the Commodores play
Some tunes from the greats, from Ellington's day.
Don't mind my feet and I'll stay off your toe
Dance with me baby, wherever we go.

Sly the Absconding Rat

When a rat goes missing you had better beware
Cause rats are kinda socialist and they like to share;
They'll nibble on the goodies that get left on the shelf
And they'll leave a wee gift for you to clean up yourself.
The best thing for you to do as far as I know
Is to set aside the shotgun and set out a "hotel".
"Oh no, you didn't say that! Why you're just a cad!
Threatening the poor rat's life is just terrible bad."
No doubt this is true, but I'm just winkin' my eye.
I'm all for happy endings for that rat named Sly.
So come on home sweet rat, we're sad that you're missing
All will be forgiven and boy won't you get some kissing.

Eloquent Protest

Barry is a schmuck.
Yeah, yeah.
Things he do just suck.
Yeah, yeah.
His mouth is in his butt,
Yeah, yeah.
I wish his butt were shut.
Oh yeah.

Gnosis

I want so desperately to know.
Not to have competing ideas,
But the one strong idea
That stands up and declares.

Not knowing is like the world
Gone blurry. A vague headache
Nagging at me, stealing my joy.
Knowledge is self-justification.

But that is a pernicious lie,
That I know sometimes
When I am weak enough
And Christ is strong within me.

I awake with sun and with song,
Sung with cracking voice
And the pale light overcome
By a sadist wind whipping.
Surely there are flaws
That really living reveals,
Scratches of criticism well-earned,
And rusty spots neglected
By thought or effort.
But the Son will find something to shine on.

A Western Love Poem

I saw some folks at the bar tonight,
They were laughin' real hard.
Seems somebody had seen the light,
So sang the tipsy bard.
Friends gathered round and shouted loud
To rise above the din
But a hush came down and everybody bowed
When the princess walked on in.

She was hotter than a pistol and right smart too
And she sashayed 'cross the floor.
She sat right down at my left side
And shot my esprit de corps
Up through the roof and I don't mind sayin'
That I was proud as proud can be
To have on my arm a pretty girl swayin'
And I'm sure that you'd agree.

So we're gettin' married sometime soon
Though an hour'd be too long,
So I'll hold on tight and keep on wooin'
And singin' loverly songs.
The tulips'll pop right out of the ground
When the time has come to say,
"Why yes I'll take this lovely lady
For all the rest of my days!"

The air was awash in shards of crystal,
Perfectly mesmerizing as they settled to earth.
The ground was laden with heaven's broken goblets
The love which was therein shown to us in a birth
That renews us day after day,
Making us white, like the crystals last night
And cheering our hearts for the way.

Worthless Fruit

Fruit on the tree, past its time,
Withered and long past sour.
Tired ideas, already tried,
Wasteful and wanton power.
Fools will consume it, smiling.
And point at us others, reviling.
But your "better" is certainly worse
Because sour, old fruit is a curse.

Step Closer and I'll Give ya Some Hope

I just had a very happy thought!
Our imaginations are so small.
We assume doom for what we've wrought,
But what if that ain't all?
The Great Depression ushered in
Some things that were unthinkable.
Who's to say, in the state we're in,
That big gummint ain't sinkable?
They are reaching audaciously
For our forgotten authority.
But what if we arose,
And punched them in the nose?

A Short Postal, Epistemological and Eschatological Epic (with picture)

The hooded man prowls the twilight
With two wheels to carry his load.
Not a burly man, rather slight,
But fiercely walking on the road.
He will deliver, there's no might,
The mail to every man's abode.
And devil come to give him flight
If e'er he stray from doing right.

Ides of February

It's that time of year again.
When real love is professed,
Not the fakey crap peddled by Hallmark.
Yes, it's the Ides of February.
Give someone you esteem
A canister of premium nuts.
For my Cashew I give cashews.
Funny how that works.

Stimulation

The squirrel looked at me from off of the wall.

"By some coffee," he said.

"And not the cheap stuff. Buy something that will stimulate the economy."

I don't know where squirrels get off being so pushy these days.