Man's Best Friend?

I had a dog named Fido
He wasn't very nice.
Maybe 'cuz of flatulence
Or maybe 'cuz of lice.
Every day he'd growl,
Menacing and low.
Then he'd scratch his flea-bit ears
And pass some wind below.

Gravel (A poem that is brutally lousy... on purpose.)

What is gravel
But some rock bits
Tossed about like...
Uh... bits of rock?

What is beach sand
But some teeny
Weeny Little
Tiny, uh... rock?

Renaming

What would a waist curtain be?
But a skirt that goes down past your knee!
And a sweater that hangs on your wrist?
Is a mitten that warms up your fist!
A head sock, it is quite clear to most,
Is worn to make craniums toast.
And windows that sit on your nose?
With blinds that restrict where light goes?
And protection from UV ray blows?
Are sunglasses, as everyone knows!

Scandinavian Limerick

There once was a poem from Sweden
Which had all the rhymes it was needin'.
Except at the end
For when it did wend
To the end it had nothing to rhyme with.

The Morning

Fog in the morning

Covering the gravestones

Frosting up the pine trees

Bringing down the sky.

Wind, somewhat later

Mixing with the sunshine

Burning off the low clouds;

Blowing them away.

The Temptation to Choose

Pleasure or certainty, darkness or light,

Apples or oranges, safety or fright,

These are the things that will tempt us at night.

Caring for others and wanting the right,

Shrinking from others, the lonely one's plight,

Tempting to stand fast and tempting to flight.

Make some decisions; they're all black and white.

Grasp indecision; the choices are blight.

Choose to set free?  Or choose to indict?  

"Life is but choices," the thinking one might

Start to conclude, in his thoughts, erudite,

But that would be hopelessly, foolishly trite.

Temptation would have us believe that we choose,

Sifting our options to win or to lose,

Autonomous selves lost in Kantian muse. 

What self-absorbed twaddle!  What bile! What hell!

Hopeless Pavlovians, slaves to the bell. 

Bound to decide, and choose poorly as well.

"Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

Crush

Crush some garlic; crush a bug
Crush the tyrant; he's a thug.
Crush the grapes to make some wine
"Crush", a soda that's just fine.
Crush, the shallow love of youth.
Crush, a job assigned your tooth.
Crush a beetle, though it stinks;
Crush a cockroach if it winks;
Crush the bugs that eat the crop;
Crush a union; make it pop!

What Do You Get When You Go There?

I went to the store to get some milk,
But instead I got a cow.
I went to the Left to get some peace,
But instead I got a row.
I went down south for to get some heat,
But I ended up with stroke.
I went to the bank to get some cash
Then I ended up quite broke.
I half expect if I go to church
That I'll end up all abased.
I'd rather go to receive my Lord
And to get well and truly graced.

Seeming Non Sequiturs (Rhymeless and Proud)

There's carpet under my feet.

Not quite shag, but plenty comfy

And less orange.

There's a ladybug flying about

Off in the other room.

Seems to like the light.

And that's what passes

For my self-reflection these days.

Thank God.

Streaking

John, from A View from Behind the Curtain, writes a poem about streaks today.  Naughty man that I am, I couldn't help but think of "streaking."  Here is my offering on the matter.

The suddenly nude man

Galloped across the turf

Like a wee, tiny horse.

That poets wrote poems

Besmirching his manhood

Goes without saying, of course.

Stand Back. I'm Going to Try Science!

He looks out the window and what does he see?
Five thousand molecules begging to be
Free from electrons or protons or... what?
Science confuses and makes ill his gut.
Better to live in impeccable dark
Than talk about science and jump some dumb shark quark.

Be Nice to Stray Monkeys

When monkeys are romping
All over your rooftop
It's better to ponder
Than flip out and yell.
I know this for certain
Cause one of my buddies
Just busted a gasket
Then a poor monkey fell.

Why-ku?

Belly button rings.

Safety-belt legislation.

Rosie O'Donnell.

The Birds

The collegial birds are determined.
By the side of the road they shall meet.
Shoulder side chit chats are better by far
Than any mid-field meet and greet.
What they're discussing I'm not certain
It might be the snow in the West.
But when I draw near, they fly off in fear.
It appears I'm a pest not a guest!

A Fairytale

Once upon a time, in a land far away...

There lived a baby who cried when it was nap time.  It could not be said that the baby was a generally ill-tempered thing incapable of sleep for, come evening time, he resembled a log which had been hit over the head with a soporific stick with lead inlay.  That is to say, at the right time he could sleep just fine.  But in the afternoon he mounted resolutely on his soap box and preached hellfire and brimstone to the ones who had put him in such a predicament.  "You'll all be made to suffer!" he cried out with such force that his throat grew ragged, lending yet more pathos to the whole presentation.  Nevertheless, his parents ignored his dire threats, not moved by "decibel" blackmail and unwilling to negotiate with terrorists.  And then the cute little brute fell asleep.

The End.

A Conversation

"That's one fine dining table" the man said,
"'Though it might be nice with a coat of red
Paint to really make 'er pop and warm up."
"Why thank you kindly old codger.  A pup
Like me needs some winsome words of wisdom
To counteract all that prattling pablum
One hears these days.  And advice on paint?  Why
That's just perfect for someone who can't spy
The difference between brown and green.  Or so
Says my wife at any rate!  Say hello
To your own, by the way.  She is a fine
Woman, your wife.  Her radiance makes you shine!"
"Duly noted, Pastor.  And you are quite
Right.  Surely she's a right beautiful light."

Cancellation Due to Freezing Rain

Slick and slippery
Rain on the road,
Calling off church,
Staying in our abode.
None to happy
But it's better than "Crash!
Dust to dust
And ash to ash."

The Ugliness of the Inward Gaze

To look inward
Is to slowly rot.
Self-absorption
Bathes in nasal snot.
Thoughts of grandeur
Large, when entertained,
Shrink to littleness
On the main.

Time

People sometimes talk 

'Bout the ravages of time,

Leading one to think

That time tears things apart.

But then they turn around 

And say another thing,

That time will heal all wounds

And bind up every heart.

It seems to me that time

Is hopelessly confused

Grinding up the weak

While loving on the meek.

What's a man to do

Who's subject to this whim?

Just trust that time is null,

Thank God that it is void.

For he will bear my wounds

And heal my broken heart

When one day I'm beset

And tempted to cry, "Fate!"

Time will fade away;

Law will rue the day.

Mercy will prevail.

And God is all in all.

Aged Steak

When you age a steak,

Just how old are we talkin?

'Cause past a certain time

And I just might be balkin'.

Don't want my steak a teenager

Or pushing fifty-one.

I'd rather have some fresher meat.

Less rancid is more fun!

Picture Framing These Days

I want to get a picture framed
To put it on my wall.
But when I look for framing shops
There's not one here at all!
I'll have to drive for miles on end
Or put it in the mail.
Maybe I'll just tack it up
And write the caption, "Fail?"

Morning

It's cold in the morning
When Faith's not around.
I'd rather keep sleeping
Until she was found.

Separation

I'm all alone
My wife has left
To Minnesota
I'm bereft
I'll soldier on
Til Saturday
When she comes home
Then I'll say, "Yay!"

More Ice Weasels

The ice weasels come when it's cold outside
And the wind begins to blow.
They scratch their claws on your windowpanes
So the fear in you starts to grow.
They howl little songs that are out of tune
Til your ears begin to whine,
"Save us, we beg, from these wrathful thugs
Or we'll surely end up dyin'."

Visitation

I went to see old Esther

Today at half past one.

So pleased was she to see me,

We talked past setting sun.

She shared some cake, some coffee too,

Regaled me tale by tale,

Til finally at midnight

I finally had to bail.

The visit was quite a hoot.  It turned out that it was her birthday and guests kept arriving.  She was just so pleased she could hardly contain herself.  The elderly need more visitors, more often.  I felt very privileged to be a part of it all today and especially privileged to give her the Lord's Supper.

Victory!

When the Packers win
I start to grin
As laughter bubbles
From within.
I dance a happy
Jig and then
I dance that happy
Jig again!

The Horse

I once had a horse with a toothy grin
And Jo Bob was his name-o.
J-O-B-O-B
J-O-B-O-B
J-O-B-O-B
And Jo Bob was his name-o.

This cheery horse he told good jokes

Not like David Lame-o.

L-A-M-E-O

L-A-M-E-O

L-A-M-E-O

And Lame-o was his name-o.

The Church

There once was a church in the snow

To which all the farmers would go.

They sat in the pews

To hear the good news

And sang how the chariot swung low.

Happy!!!

My wife says that I like to write about being cranky.  So I said, "I'll show you!"

Butterflies and rhubarb pies

And people without guile,

All these things are wonderful

And always make me smile!

Cows in Spring and harvesting

And fast cars waxed and shiny,

All these things are super nice

And never make me whiny.

Moving Day (Delayed)

There's gonna be some wind today
A-blowin' cross the plain.
Obscuring everything in sight
And bein' quite a pain.
We're gonna have to hunker down
And wait a little while
A'fore we trundle outta town
And go three hundred mile.
Tempted though I am today
To shake my fist and shout
I think it better just to nap
Than be a cranky lout.

Still Life

I look at the bowl.
Nothing at all is moving.
Stupid, lazy fruit.

Lowku

The mole is digging
Mariana  is  trenching
The Dead Sea just is

"Luck Be Some Minions. Luck Be Some Minions Tonight."

I'm trying to move.
But there's stuff.
Doggone it all
If it ain't rough
To get things just so,
So they won't break.
Really, how much time
Does it take?
I want some minions
With a large truck.
Now that would be
A stroke of luck!

If Thomas Hobbes Wrote Poetry

Happily hopping, the bunny went out
Searching for yummies to nibble.
Then came the wolf, with intentions so bad
That he turned the poor thing into kibble.

The End.

Focus

On days like this I have a list
And try hard to stick to it.
I tick the things that I must do
And try to show some grit.
Distractions come and wink their eyes
Enticing me to flit
On to less important things,
But I say, "No, you git!
I'm tryin' to do important things
So just pipe down and sit!"

No Trespassing

I'm fixing a hole
In the floor of my house
To keep out the rat
And keep out the mouse.
I want it all sealed,
An impregnable fort
So all their attacks
Will fall down quite short.

Free Couch

There once was a couch from a 'burb

Headed for life on the curb.

While loadin' 'er in

I knocked up my shin

And spoke quite a blustering blurb.

This limerick is mostly fictional.  There was a couch, a suburb and a truck.  We were not clumsy, though, and my shins went unscathed.

A Truly Lousy Poem on the Title

I got ordained the other day
So now they call me Reverend.
The formal sound sure strikes me weird;
At least my name's not Sigmund!
For Reverend Sigmund would be foul
To my own ears for certain.
If people called me such a thing
I'm sure it would be curtains.

Road Trip

One truck,
One wife,
One child.
The day
Will soon
Get wild.
We'll toodle
Down
The road.
Refusing
To
Be Slowed.
We'll reach
The place
We seek.
And hope
The babe
Don't reek.

The Truck

I shook my fist in impotent fury.  The truck wouldn't start.  "Start, you big dumb lug!"  

It clicked its engine at me.  "No, I think not.  I will be napping right here."

I was the one who wanted a nap.  I was the one who wanted to bury myself in blankets on the downstairs couch.  All I had to do was go take the truck, pick up a chair, and then lumber down the stairs.  And now the beastly thing was taunting me.  I couldn't very well threaten it with a sledgehammer since it's not my truck.  It would know that I was bluffing.  Nothing to do but jump it.

Wretchedness.  There shouldn't be this much green on the terminals.  It's not even Packers green.  "Don't even bother.  It's not going to work.  Go back inside and take your nap.  I won't tell."

If only...  But alas no.  I really must go.  But it's cold outside.  And I feel derided by a truck.  It's not even four wheel drive!  Maybe she's right.  Maybe it won't work?  And why am I thinking of this truck as a she?  What does that even mean?

[interlude]

It didn't work.  She was right.  It's going to take surgery.  Where was that sledgehammer?  

"Just give up, Sweetie.  I'm not worth your bother."

"I know you're not, you wicked thing!  But I can't take a proper nap without a clean conscience!  Naps demand it.  It's in their contract."

Corrosion.  Rust.  Bitter cold.  Darkness.  Ulysses would be proud.   Go to store.  Mother in law buys battery.  Come back.  Socket set?  Doesn't work.  What?  Work!  I just want a nap!  I don't need a fancy couch.  I'd settle for the floor.  

And then... finally, oh no, oh yes, yes!!!  It's coming together.  Hope, so long dashed, is rising from the snirt and grime, like a delicious bass from the lake!  Will she start and make my joy complete?

YES!!!

And now I'm too excited to sleep.  Stupid truck.

Home Made Juice Is a Win

I made a glass of juice today.
I made it for my wife.
I try to do the healthy things
To make a better life.
I peeled three oranges and then
I tossed some apples in.
And then, to top the beverage off,
I added lime for "WIN!"

A Conversation

Knock, knock.  Who's there?

A peck of pickled pepper pear.

Pickled pepper pear who?
And what the heck's that anyhoo?

Just a fruit that's spicy some,
Bathed in habanero rum.

Egads! that's nuts!

Nope, no nuts involved.
Just the ingredients I already mentioned.

When Is a Poem Not a Poem?

The verse inside my head 

Is hidden from my brain.

I'd like to write some poetry,

But think I'll just refrain.

Rather I'll just jot these words

Before they start to wane.

Easier than rhyming words

Is yankin' yer all's chain.

Baby Benjamin!

Baby Benjamin had many peeps.
And many peeps had baby Benjamin.
I am one of them and so are you,
So let's just call him cute.
Right arm!

Baby Benjamin had many peeps.

And many peeps had baby Benjamin.

I am one of them and so are you,

So let's just call him cute.

Right arm!  Left arm!

Baby Benjamin had many peeps.

And many peeps had baby Benjamin.

I am one of them and so are you,

So let's just call him cute.

Right arm!  Left arm!  Right foot!

Baby Benjamin had many peeps.

And many peeps had baby Benjamin.

I am one of them and so are you,

So let's just call him cute.

Right arm!  Left arm!  Right foot!  Left foot!

Dirt

Being    stuck    in  the mud
Is no excuse        for  desiring to stay dirty.
(But some people  just  loves them some mud.)

Four Thoughts

Oftentimes,

When the atmosphere is light

I smile and maunder.

Sometimes,

When I'm in the house alone,

I lie there and ponder.

Never,

When barraged by the quotidian,

Should I lose a sense of wonder,
...

But I do.

...

Always,

Though I'm foolish and ungrateful,

God has claimed me for his own.

Neither Here Nor There (A Shakespearean Sonnet)

I'd love to write a sonnet,
Making rhymes so easy.
I'd love to wear a bonnet,
But nothing that was sleazy.
I'd love to win a pony
And rent it out to babies.
I'd hate to be too bony,
Or covered with the scabies.
I'd like for things to warrant
Great praise from every man.
But sometimes there's a torrent
Of things I'd like to ban.
What do you do about that?
Just put on your pork pie hat.

Football

The football season's not quite done;
The Packers won today!
So now we play the "Dirty Birds"
Who stand right in our way.
I'm pulling for a victory
That isn't even close
But any win will sure suffice
Lest I become morose.

Home Medicine Limerick

I once had a wart on my toe.
And then it started to grow.
I burned it with flame
And then the pain came.
Now I've got one foot and woe!

Classic (and lousy) Meteorological Verse

Snowbanks are white
And cloudbanks are gray.
The palette is limited
On a cold winter's day.

Epiphany (just a wee bit weird)

Ann-Tie-uh-Cuss  E-Piff-uh-Knees
Was doing bad one day.
He went to ol' Jerusalem
And this is what he say,
"Your God is very weak, you see,
And I'll just show you how."
He roasted pig in the holy place
And boy that made him proud.

But Epiphanes was sore mistook
When he thought he could mock God
By putting bacon in his house
All bathed in piggy blood.

Epiphany means God shows up
But not to knock some heads.
Not even ol' Antiochus
Who was already quite dead.
No, God shows up in Jesus Christ
Not proud, nor spillin' blood.
He comes to testify to truth
And do his creatures good.

12 Drummers

A tone deaf drummer is much like an apple pie

Without any fish in it.

A non sequitur.

A rhythmless drummer is much like a lake

Without any water in it.

A travesty.

Twelve drummers flailing are much like Excedrin

Without any medicine in it.

A headache.

A Piper

I dream of certain things for my old age,
Fanciful whimsy that I do not subject
To nagging ethics
Or the moral considerations that have such pride of place today.
These fancies of mine are mostly philanthropic in nature,
Though they have a bit of a crust.

I want a porch.
A big wrap around affair, no screen, but fully covered.
I want a big chair of sorts
With the imprint of my bottom and my bottom alone.
I want to shake a stick at youthful types
Telling them loudly about gout and other wonders.

And I want a pipe.
I want to fiddle with the sweet smelling tobacco
And try to light it,
Lose track of the thing
And try again.
"Where were those matches again?"
(It's not a matter of forgetfulness, but insouciance.)
And I want to sit there and puff awhile in the summertime
Lingering over memories,
Perhaps cooking up hare-brained schemes.
I want my wife to come out with lemonade and say with crinkled nose,
"Are you bothering yourself with that stinky thing again?"
"Yes m'dear.  And I love you dearly."

I want to be a piper piping.
And I want to glory in life which has been so beautiful.

Lords Don't Leap for Just Any Old Thing (the 10th Day)

The Earl of Gloucester, the Baron of Kent,
The Duke of the county of Devon,
All were together and sporting one day
When 'round bout the hour of eleven
A maiden passed by and shouted out loud,
"Thy feet are like old hunks of stone!"
And like a gazelle she did prance on her way
Thus leaving the lords all alone.
"What did she say?" said the Earl with a huff,
I'm bouncy as bouncy can be!"
"Ha, ha" said the Baron with obvious mirth,
"I'm surely more nimble than thee."
"Codswollop, gents.  I think it's quite clear,"
Said the Duke with superior air.
"I'll leapfrog ye both.  I'll go flying by
And leave several furlongs to spare!"
So right on the spot, without wasting a breath
The lords started leaping like toads.
And so lost in fun did those same lords become
That they leaped several miles down the road.

Progressing Haikus (The 9th Day of Christmas)

When I dance
The awkward steps up...
And trips me.

When nine ladies dance
The graceful pirouetting
Is smooth like butter.

When I dance with nine ladies
The butter greases the parquet floor
And we all crash and break limbs.

Hope I Don't Get In Trouble for the Eight Day of Christmas

When baby came the milk did too
For health and strength to bring.
My wife's been pumping for some time
And will do till the Spring.

Different Kinds of Swans

Swans, when they swim,
In the shadowy dim
Are silent as twilight
As quiet as shame.

But swans, when they fly,
Are trumpeters calling
Good news of migration
Of Spring that's to come.

Inverted Haikus on the Laying Geese of Christmas

I've been told by my father

That, Dickens aside,

Geese are very fatty birds.

So, lay what eggs you care to,

I shan't be eating,

Not from one nor six of ye.

Five Golden Rings

I've got two hands

With five fingers attached to the end of each.

Five golden rings might be apportioned

In six different ways:

5-0, 4-1, 3-2, 2-3, 1-4, 0-5.

In all but the middle two

Rings would be placed on contiguous fingers.

On contiguous fingers, I say!

I don't like that.  

The rings would rub against each other,

They'd get clunky

And clanky

And pinchy.

And the gold would get

Scraped and dented.

Much better, I think,

To receive one,

Singular,

Solitary,

Tungsten Carbide Ring.

Zero fights with other rings.

Less pinching of flesh.

No noise to speak of.

I want a ring that means something 

By itself.

Stoogey Crows

I once saw a murder of crows,
All Larrys and Curleys and Moes.
They buffooned around,
Slapsticked on the ground,
Then from our backyard they arose.

Weasels on the March (a Christmas poem)

When the snow comes down
And the sky gets gray
You'd better run real quick.
For the weasels march
On that very day
And those beasts are prone to lick.
They salt your knees
Like a plate of peas
And they give a little bite,
Then they stop their games,
And they end their tease
And eat your knees outright!
So watch those weasels
When it snows
Or you'll be limping then.
And you'll be sorry
For your woes.
Mark these words, my friend.

Family Christmas

A glorious weaving of threads
Assembling itself like a dream?
A caucophonic, lurching nightmare
Floral print and stripes, frayed at the seem?
Relationships fitting together,
Tailored by expert fingers?
Or tears and stains and clashes;
With an odor that lingers?
Families are more than their members,
More than a gath'ring of I's.
A tapestry woven together
By hands both winsome and wise.

Baby Constipation Haiku (part two)

He fills the diaper.
"Great bowels of joy, Batman!"
Baby knows relief.

Theoretical Baby Constipation

When baby don't poop
Ain't nobody happy,
Cause baby stuffed solid
Ain't happy-clappy.
So ex-lax yer babies
Before they get packed
And then yer poor ears
Will get out intact.

A Bad Class Continued

Perhaps if my ears just fell off
I'd no longer need to keep hearing
And then the temptation to scoff
Would, like a Toyota, go veering
Off of a cliff with no brakes to restrain
And turn off the throbbing that's hurting my brain.

A Bad Class (a haiku of frustration)

Sitting patiently
Enduring ceaseless chatter.
Woe!  When will it end?

Bill and the Talking Cow (A Limerick)

There once was a rancher named Bill
Who loved to put steak on the grill.
His cattle rebelled
And one loudly yelled,
"Why do you so love to kill?"

A Winter Driving Haiku

Starting, braking, STOP.
Driving can be quite a chore
When others drive too.

A Tasty Limerick

In times when the weather gets cold

The ice weasels start to get bold.

They chew on small dogs,

Pig out on the hogs

And nibble the sheep in the fold.

The Blizzard

It snowed and snowed throughout the day

The winter sky was shaking

All the dandruff from its hair.

Now that's what I call flaking!

Shovelers were saying curses,

"Blast this snow to hell!"

Sorry friends, you're out of luck

'Cause it already fell.

Mad Libs Poem (written with my lovely wife)

O for love of Branston Pickle
I'd eat you in a cornfield,
Spread you onto peanut brickle
And 'gainst my enemies wield
The awful taste that from you falls,
The stink of cow and horsey stalls.

A Mad Lib Poem is written by asking an innocent bystander (my wife) for words without telling her the context.  Hence the nonsensical poem.  Oh, and Branston Pickle is actually a wonderful thing.  I love it.  But the thought of it on Peanut Butter Brickle?  That's just gross.

Whatever Comes

In the deep dark morning,
When wind is cold
Its cruelty bold
I rise to face whatever comes

Then the day starts morphing
The winds depart
And sniffles start
I stay to fight whatever comes

The day is fading, night is come
My eyes like lead
The light is dead
I sleep and trust whatever comes

For Gino (an epic sonnet)

There once was a team from The Lake
Who'd constantly give me the fake.
They'd lose to the Lion
And then, loss defyin',
They'd go for one more score to make.

Til There Was You (winter edition)

There was snow on the drive, 
But I never started shoveling.
No I never shoveled at all
Til there was you.


There was ice, on the walk,
But I never started salting.
No I never salted at all
Til there was you.


   There was slipping,
   Such terrible crashes.
   They tell me
   Legs flopping skyward and then, and then...

There was sleet on the steps
But I never started scraping
No I never scraped them at all
Til there was you.

Chaocity

Every day a small tornado

Whips about the house

Flings around our mouse

Messes stuff so up and all akimbo.

Blankets not on beds,

Milk-drenched, spitty rags, 

Pampered Chef mags,

Mugs, rugs, Pugs and hugs,

     It's all jumbled.

I want a magic wand

To lay down smack,

To take the order back,

To ward off any flack.

     But it's all jumbled.

Every day a small tornado

Laughs at my lack

Of magic wand smack.

"My"ku

Get yer stinkin' hands
Off MY delicious donut,
Ya dern jackwagon!

Lieku

"No Money Down" (heh)
"No interest for the first year"
Dive on in and drown.

Highku

Where you find yourself

After climbing a mountain

Or going up stairs.

The Shadow of the Axe (Part Five)

(Originally posted Thanksgiving 2008)

Cesar and his turkeys crept up the stairs from the dank basement into the kitchen. A chill ran down their giblets when they saw the oven door leering at them out of the darkness. It quietly taunted them, "I've known your kind. And I'll know each and every one of you too. Just give it time. There's no use fighting." It was a curiously verbal oven. Or so it seemed.

Cesar mastered himself, gobbling under his breath; ultimately he had no quarrel with an appliance. "Focus," his inner voice said, "on the task at hand. Down the hallway, second door on the left." He floated down the corridor like a barnyard ninja, axe in hand, nerves taut and ready.

And then a muffled sob pierced his ear like whatever it is those people at Claire's use to pierce ears with.  Cesar wheeled around back towards the kitchen, signaling the others to follow. And there was Sylvester sobbing and beating his fists impotently on the oven door.

Cesar didn't hesitate. He swung the axe with deadly grace, artfully detaching Sylvester's head. "Fool!" he hissed.

The other turkeys were frozen, transfixed by the spectacle, horrified by the bloodied axe and the malevolent Cesar. His gaze turned towards theirs and it was as if he was basting them with fear. The tension couldn't hold, something had to give.

And then light invaded the kitchen like a blitzkrieg. There stood Farmer Earl decked out in longjohns and his Colt 45. "Dumb turkeys" he said softly.

And then he started to shoot.

----------------------------------------------

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Keep an eye on your turkey; they're crafty beasts.

The Shadow of the Axe (Part Four)

"Honey?"

"Scnixgh-uhngfff"

"Honey!"

"What?" Farmer Earl rolled over and tried to open his eyes, but the art of sleep and the mysteries of physiology contrived to make them curiously unresponsive.

"Earl, there's a noise in the kitchen!"

Well art and mysteries be darned to heck, nobody messed with Earl's abode, which he lovingly called Chateau Jones. His eyes flew open and without needing to think his body left the bed and his hand reached towards the antique box under his nightstand. The box was black except for some gouges and chipped edges that it had acquired through more years of service than Earl even knew. The box and its contents were the one thing that the cranky old farmer had received when his pappi had died so many years ago. There hadn't been any money and the land had passed to his older brother Josiah who had quickly sold it and used the proceeds to move to the city, a longstanding dream. That golden dream had turned to pyrite within a year when the bottom fell out of the real estate market after the dumb government forced lenders to make bad loans to underqualified applicants. No matter to Earl, who had never cared for his elder brother's self-indulgence (or his explosive flatulence for that matter). And anyways, Earl had gotten what was of real value, the worn black box, his father's treasure and his grandfather's before that.

He silently reached inside.

(to be continued)

The Shadow of the Axe (Part Three)

(Originally posted Thanksgiving 2008)

That night the frosty wind made moan. The earth stood hard as iron. The farmhouse stood unlit, Letterman was over and even Conan was asleep. It was the second watch of the night... but nobody was watching. Nobody save for Cesar and his ill-tempered cohort. Yes, they were watching the farmhouse with icy malice.

And the clock ticked.

Cesar quietly contemplated the razor edge of his axe and lost himself in a dream wherein he danced a perfunctory tango on the sharpened apex of steel, which plunged down cruelly in either direction. Yet he danced unconcerned. His partner was a shadow, a mere vapor, perhaps death itself. No matter; he danced as unto himself.

"Cesar!"

The calling of his name startled him out of his morbid reverie. He knew that it was time.

The band of turkeys advanced on the house from the side opposite the bedroom where Earl and his wife lay asleep. The old-fashioned cellar door was never locked. The turkeys knew this from the regular poker nights that they held in the farmhouse basement. And so they slipped in, as quietly as tea infusing hot water, as lethal as eating the wrong kind of mushroom.

(to be continued)

The Shadow of the Axe (Part Two)

(Originally posted Thanksgiving 2008)

The wind cut less sharply amongst the trees, but that wasn't why the turkeys were gathering there. No, it was a different kind of cutting that had their wattles all a-quiver. The kind of cutting that left their wattles and snoods next to the bloody axe in the yard while the rest of them got innapropriately touched and shoved in an oven. But not this year. This gaggle, brood, flock, gang of hardened turkeys wasn't going to take so much as a word of friendly advice from the farmer much less a blow to the head. And so they gathered.

Not being much for words they milled around and made gobbley noises. It was a combination of nerves and very small and easily distracted brains. But when Cesar arrived with the axe their focus got razor sharp... like an axe.

"Brothers," he intoned, "the time has come to bury the axe." Cesar paused, looked around with and intensity that only a large, flightless bird can muster, and then spat towards the farmhouse. "The time has come to bury the axe in Farmer Earl's back!" he roared, though in truth it just sounded like some spastic and overly ernest clucking.

No matter. The other turkeys understood his words. They understood his grim truth. And any sense of mercy or philosophical resignation on their part had died along with Phil the year before. Earl had to die.

(to be continued)

The Shadow of the Axe (Part One)

(Originally posted Thanksgiving 2008)

The sky was brooding over the stubbled fields like an angry mother hen, just waiting to criticize the rural landscape with sleety derision. Cowed, the cows kept close to the barn door, which was open. They were not interested in picking fights or suffering the consequences of being too big for their, um... britches. But the turkeys? Now they were a different story. The turkey's didn't give a damn about the poultropomorphic sky. Chickens weren't their allies anways, certainly not come November time. And so the turkeys wandered to the pine windbreak along the edge of the field, sauntering casual-like in small groups so as not to attract undo attention....

(to be continued)

At the Airport: A Gropeku

Reaching and fondling:

Lonely TSA agents

Search for love at work.

Haircuts

My wife gets mean with scissors

And flies at folks in fury,
Hacking off their sundry hairs
Until they are less furry.

SNIP!!!!  snipsnipsnipsnipsnip.....

She's like a chihuahua without meds

Attacking people's heads.

Grope Away

I go to the airport
Whene'er I feel lonely
To get tingly feelings
From agents with wands.

They put me through scanners
And leer at my x-rays.
They pat down my privates
As if I've done wrong.

They need a good slapping
For they have forgotten
That we're not the problem
(But they just don't care.)

They'd rather prod me
Than risk offending
The dears who love terr'rists
The people at CAIR.

Prose For My Wife

Posts here don't need to be poems, do they?

Because there is something I'd love to say

But I don't really want to put it in verse.

I love you my dear. And I try to rehearse

This in actions every hour, every day,

Sometimes better and sometimes worse,

But knowing just how much I'm blessed;

You're a  gift of grace at God's behest.

Spudku

Crunch, crackle, crunch crunch

Potato chips resonate 

Each time you chew 'em.

Abiding

I had a piece of beef for lunch
I put it in my gullet.
One day I hope to grow my hair
And sport a rockin' mullet.
Life is great and changes come
But some things just abide
Like odor in the kitchen
From bacon that's been fried.

In the North of Iowa (sung to the tune of "What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor")

Went on a trip to the north of Iowa
Went on a trip to the north of Iowa
Went on a trip to the north of Iowa
Early in the morning.

Not many trees in the north of Iowa
Not many trees in the north of Iowa
Not many trees in the north of Iowa
Early in the morning.

But there were fields in the north of Iowa
But there were fields in the north of Iowa
But there were fields in the north of Iowa
Early in the morning.

Folks were great in the north of Iowa
Folks were great in the north of Iowa
Folks were great in the north of Iowa
Early in the morning.

Post-Election

Elections do not solve problems;
They just open/shut doors
To possible solutions
And inanity.
This year is no different.
The real Messiah 
Works other channels.

Unfinished Thoughts on Drool and Necessity

The little guy awoke that morning, put on his sweater, tossled his hair and declared, "I am a baby and as such I have decided to drool.  Yes I said drool.  I shall exult in it all day.  Can I get an Amen?" 

And so he swaggered along, confident in his conviction, anchored to his determination, chubby to the cheeks.  It did not seem to occur to him that, lacking any tooth matter and only dimly aware of the full power of his tongue, drooling was a rather natural, almost thoughtless action, much like the breathing that he'd been doing for upwards of three months.  He was as bound to the drool as he was to his toes, if not more.  No matter.  The drool was the thing and the thing was his.  Selah.

It was later in the day, after much salivary success, that a mood of melancholy descended upon him.  "Salivation is not enough.  Mere nature and the tipping of the hat to supposed necessity doesn't get one far.  Exulting in it is even worse!  Who will deliver me from this body of drool?"

Roll On Winter

The rain on my windows would surely be snow
If only the temp were at seven below.
Alas it is warmer and soggy therefore,
And sadly devoid of the snow I adore.

Magical flakes in the air all around
Humming that noiseless, intangible sound,
Weaving their way like a drunken parade
Crystalline strands in a wintertime braid.

Bother it all that the spell's not yet cast,
Large plunking droplets are still falling fast,
Earth knows no cover of angelic white,
The dark of deep autumn has yet to take flight.

Bacon Arrives Just In Time

I went to lift weights
And now I'm all tired;
In dire muscle soreness
I'll surely be mired
Come Saturday morning
Unless I'm mistaken.
Just to be safe
I'd better eat bacon.

The bacon, in this instance, is a delicious non sequitur

The Cutest Darn Bee that You'll Ever See

The baby's a bee
As you can well see.
There is none cuter,
None cuter than he!

He's yellow and black
And prone to attack
With oodles of slobber,
Poo, pee and some yack.

He's charming and suave;
He doesn't wear mauve.
When he learns Hebrew
He'll shout, "Mozel Tov!"

Defending the Noble Cow

I once knew a cow who was friendly
We'd talk every once in awhile.
Such a good neighbor was this lovely cow;
She'd rake all my leaves in a pile.
Then I began to feel guilty
Her selflessness made me look bad
So I told all the neighbors that something was wrong
That the dear cow was going quite mad.
"We haven't a minute to lose, friends;
Here she comes with a bag and a rake!
We'll bonk her cow-head
And make sure that she's dead.
Then turn that mad cow into steak!"
My neighbors were not fooled for a minute
And told me to bite on my tongue.
"Nay, my dear neighbors, I'm rather eat cow!"
And with that my poor neck they wrung.

Hope I Don't Get Any Complaints from Cow Lawyers

There are different kinds of meat
Most of which are good.
All except the offal
Which isn't even food.
The others, though, are tasty,
Better than sliced bread.
I'm happy for the lives of cows
Especially when they're dead.

Call

To Ioway I'm goin' soon
With wife and child and all.
We're headin' south with happy hearts
To answer God's own call.
Friends are there, though yet unknown,
With blessings yet untold.
And we'll bless them with all we've got;
May God's love make us bold!

Woe to Italy When Opera Dies

I thought all Italians liked opera?
Puccini, Rossini et al...
Patriot love of their country
Standing incredibly tall.
But mezzo sopranos are dusty
And less loved than back in the day.
And misguided miscreant jokers
E'en suggest opera lovers are gay!
What's next? Is pesto in danger?
Can Tuscany be far behind?
Italy, cling to your culture,
Protect it from unsavory mind.

...Midnight Snack Time

I
Ate
A taco
With beans
And guacamole
And leaves of cilantro.
I am done now
And have
A box
For
...